there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
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By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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