I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
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Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
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Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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