I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
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She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
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i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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