he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
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Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
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Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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