I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the condom got lost in my hair
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
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She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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