So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize