I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize