And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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