shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
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THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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