this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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