Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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