I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
3 2 1 whiskey
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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