Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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