Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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