dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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