Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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