Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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