he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
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there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
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I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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