ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
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i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
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Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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