You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
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