I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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