I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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