and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
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Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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