got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you inspire me to be a worse person
Semen is not good for contacts.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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