I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize