this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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