I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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