New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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