The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
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Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize