Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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