my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
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Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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