hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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