I wish I could teleport
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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