I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
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I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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