My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
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I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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