I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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