in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
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its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
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Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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