He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
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A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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