it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
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Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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