i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
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At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
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Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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