Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
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Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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