This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
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Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
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I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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