call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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