You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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