her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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