im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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