the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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