Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
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Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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