Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
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I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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