I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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